Without Mom

You might think that the fact that I lost mom more than four years ago would make it somehow easier to deal with. I feel like her absence is more and more obvious and painful. I don't think about her on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but then again, I didn't think of her like that when she was alive either. I was an independent teenager and college student. I knew how to study and knew the direction that I wanted my life to take.

Now as a mom and a "grown up", I need her so much. I need someone who loves me and understands me. Someone who might even help me to understand myself. She raised me and she would know how to do that. Because of the way I love my kids, I know how she loves me. And I realize what I am missing each day.

Last week, I cried twice over her. I read a book about breast cancer and while she didn't have breast cancer, I felt it hit close to my heart. I thought of my mom, alone, in the hospital. Treatment after treatment. So strong, yet probably so afraid. So full of faith and willingness to fight, but also probably so tired. Losing her hair, gaining weight because of steroids, vomiting, losing her muscles.

I wasn't there when she died. Anna, Mio and dad were. I know it wasn't easy and maybe they wish that they didn't have to witness her last breath, but I wish I had been there. I was supposed to be going home that summer and take care of her. I was supposed help her in and out of bed. I was supposed to joke around with her when she was in the mood for it and cry with her when she needed to cry. I was suppose to be able to do something for her after everything she had done for us.

I was so far away when everything with the cancer happened. I was removed from it. Not because I didn't care, but because I didn't live the daily realities of her life. I had just started nursing school when she got her bone marrow transplant and I thought that somehow I understood so much about it all because I was going to be a nurse. Now I realize that I didn't know much at all.

We named Eerika after mom. I think she has some of mom's feistiness and much of her beauty.I scooped Eerika in my arms as I cried and I prayed that I would get to see her become a young woman, a mom and whatever else would become of her. I prayed it for my own sake, I want to share everything with her, but I also prayed it for her. I realize that losing a mom, no matter what your age, leaves a huge hole in you.

For months after she died, I slept in her old night gown. It was a cheap one that she had bought after her transplant. My mom didnt buy cheap things but she had bought it as a "temporary" thing while she was recovering from the transplant. I read old emails and cards from her. Those times, I can hear her voice in my head.

Her cancer pains came back the Thursday before Easter that year. She was in so much pain that she had to get multiple pain medications to be comfortable. Somehow I find it very fitting that it happened the "same night" as our Savior suffered in Gethsemane for our sins.

I am not bitter because her death. But I miss her. Those words don't even do justice.

Home Sweet Home??

In August 2006, Troy and I bought our current home. We were so excited. We loved the floor plan, had plenty of space for two people and it was a convenient location for Troy's job and my school. We got a good deal on the house. We quickly made friends in Tucson and we lived our lives with ups and downs.

Fast forward four years, we still love our floor plan. It still has plenty of room for our family of three and it is still a convenient location. However, the value of the house has gone down about $100,000. We obviously aren't the only ones with this issue

We have talked about moving away. We have talked about just walking away because we can never financially recover. We have talked about trying to do a short sale. We like to talk about moving somewhere else. South side is no ideal location for a growing family. We talk about Utah and Colorado and play with the idea of going to Europe; hopefully to Finland but we are also open to other countries.

However, when we really started to seriously discuss moving away, I realized how much I loved my home. This is our real first home. We have established amazing friendships with other "South Siders" (as well as people up North). I chose the paint colors with care. I decorated the nursery of my first born here. Troy paced back and forth in these hallways when Saku refused to sleep unless he was being bounced. Troy planted beautiful grass on the backyard that has become a piece of heaven for Saku. I have one yellow rose bush that keeps surviving the AZ heat. The idea of moving away from Tucson and leaving my friends is scary. This is the first place where Troy and I have found friendship who truly share our lives with us.

Today Saku and I were sitting on the back patio. I was reading the most recent "Newsweek" issue while Saku played with his trucks. Every five minutes or so a F-16 would fly over our house. While this can be annoying since they are loud, my little boy is in heaven when he can point to these planes. So he would climb on my lap and we would both point at them as they roared above us. I was so content.

We talked about our house issue with Troy's brother Trent and his wife Regina and she made a comment that "paradise is where your home is". I do not love Tucson. I will never love the heat. But today as I enjoyed the backyard with Saku, I really felt that life couldn't be better except if Troy would have been with us. I hope we will not be in Tucson for too many years, but as of now, I will try to view my home and its surroundings as a paradise.

When your hubby is studying, you have time to ramble

Yesterday was the second biggest day of the pregnancy. We found out that we are having a girl. She looked great and healthy and she kept kicking around. It was amazing to see her move on the screen and feel her move against the ultrasound scanner at the same time.

I was hoping for a girl; however, the night before the ultrasound as I was watching Saku play, I thought to myself that another little boy would be just as perfect. After the ultrasound, I asked Troy if it was selfish of me to hope for a girl and would a little brother be better for Saku. Now I as I type this, I realize that if a little brother would have been "better"

for our family, we would have another boy since Heavenly Father has a plan for our family.

I have to confess that I am a lot more worried about gaining weight this time around. At 21 weeks, I have gained 11 lbs. I really shouldn't be so concerned about it since I was able to lose all the baby weight from Saku; though it didn't just come off on its own and I worked hard for it. On most days, I'm running 1-2 miles, which is so much more than what I did with my first pregnancy. I've had to stop few times while running because my belly gets too tight, so I am not sure how much longer I can keep it up. I really wish that sometimes I could worry less about my weight. I know Troy doesn't care about it and I know it's supposed to happen, but it still doesn't make it any easier...

Before I got pregnant with baby girl, I lost 7 pounds. I wasn't trying to lose weight, but somehow I just lost it. I know that it sounds lame and if someone would tell me that, I would probably feel little annoyed, OK a lot annoyed. I wasn't in a great shape; I was just skinny if that makes sense. A friend of mine asked me if I was sad to be pregnant and know that I will gain weight when I was so skinny at the time. I honestly responded that I wasn't, but I have to say that as the numbers get bigger on the scale, I do start envying the women around me with their slim figures and ability to work out to their hearts' content. I am incredible grateful for this pregnancy and this baby, but 40 weeks is a long time get bigger and bigger. And the first few months of postpartum are rough when you just feel so cushy even though the weight starts coming off. Today I bought a size 2 skirt from Gap as my" incentive skirt"to get back in shape after the baby comes. I was also shopping for our baby girl and I am not convinced (yet) that shopping for a girl is more fun. I just ended up buying a cute pair of pjs for both kids. Maybe I will change my mind.

Troy and I did a media fast this past week. No TV, no reading blogs, no facebook (except to post the news). Our local church leaders encouraged us to spend our time doing other things. While I don't spend hours on the computer, I check blogs and facebook frequently to see what's going on. While I miss reading blogs and seeing facebook updates, it has been a good experience to stay away from them for few days.

I noticed that Saku had less temper tantrums because I was more focused on him rather than checking something on the computer. I finished a book. I baked cinnamon rolls. I wrote more meaningful emails to my family. I had a sense of "freedom" when I wasn't constantly trying to keep up with the world, but rather I focused on myself and my family more.

It is Troy's 30th birthday today. I am proud of him. He might feel little old since turning 30 can be a big deal, but I am amazed what a great man he is. How did I get so lucky to find a man who fits and understands me so well? I know he is the one who deserves presents today, but he is the biggest blessing in my life.

Just when you get comfortable

It's funny how life works. You think you have something figured out and then "BAM", something happens and you realize that you weren't as fabulous or knowledgeable as you thought you were.

I worked Sunday night because Monday was labor day and Troy would be home so I could take a nap in the morning after work. Plus it is nice to do the same amount of work and get paid holiday pay.

As I was walking into the hospital, I thought to myself "I am actually not nervous about going to work. I think I have been doing a good job lately". We got our assignments and I had two familiar patients and two of my other ladies were sweet. The night was going so well. We even wondered if one of the nurses would have to go home since we didn't have that many patients.

One of my patients had been sleeping for a while and requested something for pain, so I medicated her. About 25 minutes later, she calls me to the room and says that she is feeling weird and nauseous and her blood pressure had dropped a lot. She also had a difficult time talking and complained of not being able to breath. Obviously not a great situation. I got bunch of help and she ended up being just fine. However, it was a great reminder to not get too relaxed and how there is always so much to learn.

After the whole thing was settled and she was resting in bed, I talked to her and she said "I'm so glad you were my nurse during this and not the other nurse". I am one of the newest nurses on the floor and there was no way she was talking about my nursing skills, though I do think I am a good nurse. The other nurse has so much experience and is one of most competent nurses we have. Since I had taken care of her few nights before, we had established a trusting relationship. She had shared her life story with me. She had cried and I had held her hand. We had talked about my family a little bit and I had ensured that she would be emotionally and physically as comfortable and stable as possible.

I would have chosen the other nurse to be my nurse if this happened to me because that nurse knows more; however, for this patient and I think for many others, they want someone who they feel they can trust and someone who shows compassion and kindness toward them.

The event was a great learning experience for me and I will be studying more about the medications and hypotension, which is a drop in blood pressure. However, I am grateful that I don't have to practice caring and compassion and I am grateful that my presence was able to comfort her while some of the more experienced staff was able to help me to get her status improved.

Also this experience reinforced the fact that I love the human part of nursing. I enjoy doing skills such as dressing changes and I love figuring things out. But the most amazing thing for me is comforting a wife of a man who is terminally ill, or sitting with a patient and just listening because they are scared and alone. Or gaining the trust of a grumpy patient by giving them options and information about everything I do. However, I do not enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes from patient's status declining and having 10 people in the room to treat the patient.

This might make me a "softie" in the medical world, but I'm OK with that.

Becoming a Runner

I want to be a Runner. I don't want just to run here and there, but I want to become one of those people who "just need" to run. One of those runners who travel with their running shoes, so they can squeeze a run in no matter where they are. I want to look like a runner with strong, lean legs. I want to find a group of women who love running like I do and train together. I want to get stronger and faster and be example to my kids about being healthy and active.

My running career isn't too impressive.

I have only done two official races: a half marathon and the Ragnar relay.

My speed isn't anything to brag about. I average a 8:30 minute/mile pace.

I want to run a marathon, but I'm scared of the training and the mental and physical exhaustion.

But if there is one thing I want to cross off my bucket list, it is running a marathon (and giving birth without any medications). Both are physically, emotionally and mentally taxing and painful, yet I feel like I am strong enough to do them.

I love the challenge of running. The fact that once I start going and run further and further away from my house or car, I know I have to have the mental toughness to come back and finish the run. I love the runs when I can feel my legs working hard, yet I am not tired. I love the time I get to spend with my thoughts as my feet keep hitting the road and my arms keep pumping. I even love the excessive amount of sweating I am blessed with because it is a reminder than I am pushing myself to the limit.

As far as I can remember, I have only once "quit" one of my runs. I was doing a hill work out in Oro Valley and it was way too hot because I have a tendency to run too late in the day. My thighs were chafing against each other, I wasn't able to keep up with my goal pace, I probably had a mild sunburn and I just didn't have "it" to finish the run. So Troy rode his bike back to our car and picked me up. I was disappointed, but happy to be sitting in the car rather than

Of course, there are plenty of runs that haven't happened. I have planned for them and maybe even prepared for them and then decided to sleep in or just didn't want it bad enough that day. I want to become a runner who doesn't let a bad attitude to keep me away from the roads.

I have some big dreams for running and goals I want to accomplish, but for now, I will keep growing my belly and running 12 minute miles. I will read running blogs about other moms and women who find joy in running and their accomplishments.

Hopefully by March, I can fit into my new running skirt, which I don't want to stretch out while being pregnant, and I will get my endurance and body back and add to my strength and speed.

Before then, I have to see if I have what it takes to finish the race of delivering a baby without an epidural...

How Life Changes You

I was looking through pictures of myself over the past six years and I wondered how much had changed and what are the things have stayed the same.

August 2010

At the moment, I would describe myself as a full time mom who works part-time as a nurse. I try really hard to cook dinners each night, keep our house clean and take care of myself while chasing Saku around and recovering from my night shifts. I miss sleeping next to Troy while I'm at work and I love calling them in the morning as I'm getting in the car and I hear two excited boys telling me "good morning". Due to my pregnant state, I am gaining weight, but I am currently happy with the way I look and try to run as many days a week as I can. I am trying to care less about what other people think and surround myself with people who have positive attitude about life. I have also learned who are my real friends and who really know me. As the days go by and Saku grows and learns more and more and my relationship with Troy deepens, I am amazed how blessed I am. Life is not perfect. I worry about my siblings, I miss my mom, I am trying to figure out how I want to balance my career and being mom, sometimes I wonder how much people like me and whether I do good enough job with the things that I am trusted with.

October 2009

Year ago, I was a full time mom and still figuring out what kind of mom I wanted to be and could be. I worried about a lot of things that today wouldn't even cross my mind. I wondered if Saku would be one of those "difficult" kids and if people would judge me as a mother. I had started to run again and I was loving it. I cut my hair short and was few pounds off my pre-pregnancy weight. My best friend Heather had to move away due to Paul's training, which sucked because I had imagined doing tons of play dates with her and she always made me feel good about my parenting skills. It took few months for Troy and I to find a balance between our responsibilities, but after we found our rhythm, I felt like our lives were happier than they had been before.

August 2008

Troy and I took our last "no kids" trip to Canada as a graduation present to me. We were officially trying to get pregnant and I was anxious to see some results. It took three months to get pregnant, but to me, it felt like an eternity because we had waited three years to even start trying. For once in a my life, I was able to relax about money and we enjoyed good food, beautiful hotels and fun activities. I was ready to start the final year of nursing school and while I was excited to graduate and become an RN, being a mom was much more exciting to me. It was finally the right time for me to shift gears and focus on family.

September 2007

Second semester of nursing school introduced me to labor and delivery nursing and I fell in love. I was stressed out about school a lot and spent most of my time studying. I worked part time as a PCT at Northwest Medical Center. This was the first year without mom and it changed our family dynamic. I feel like we are still trying to find our places and I learned to adopt more of a"mom" role in the family rather than just an older sister role. This has been rewarding, but also very exhausting.

September 2006

We moved to Tucson and bought our first home. It seemed like a mansion compared to the places where we had lived before. Little by little, I tried to make it look like "our home." We finally made friends with other couples and some of these friends are still our dearest friends. I got accepted to nursing school and worked two jobs while I waited for the winter semester to start. Mom passed away in April and I learned to really rely on Troy and the Lord.

September 2005

Troy and I got married. It was the best "change" in my life, yet it wasn't that dramatic. We had already spent most of our waking hours together, so now we just got sleep next to each other at night. I continued to study like a mad woman and little by little, learned to cook and take care of our home. We didn't hang out with many other people because we both worked, went to school and we just couldn't find "couple friends" who matched us. I changed my major from public relations to pre-nursing after I realized that I didn't think I had the personality or the desire to do PR. I spent my first Christmas away from home and it was rough.

September 2004

I met Troy and everything changed. Starla and I had been attached to each other all through Freshman year and suddenly, I spent most of my time with Troy. We studied together, we ate together, we hang out and obviously went on dates. I loved this part of my life. I was in a happy relationship to a man that I was sure I would marry. I loved the classes I was taking. I was going to the gym multiple times a week, so I looked good and felt good. I was back to being strong in the gospel. While I was happy to get married to Troy, the idea of a family was not close to my mind. I wanted to get through college and spend time with Troy.

Aren't there enough blogs already?

Every once in a while, I think about something that I want to blog about but I'm not sure if it would be quite appropriate or interesting or whether I would be revealing too much of myself. I figured that if I start a blog that is 100% about me and my thoughts, people know that they might read something that they disagree with, but hopefully respect my point of view. My thoughts might be amusing or embarrassing, but I know my friends know me well enough to laugh with me and not at me. I might share something in a way that sounds like I'm bragging and there might be times that I am, but everyone needs a chance to have their "moment of glory" every once in a while. I will share some of my trials and hardships because writing them down can be therapeutic. I hope I can help to uplift others and inspire them every once a while because I read many blogs that have that effect on me.

So eeviandtroy.blogspot.com will be about my beautiful and growing family so if all you want is updates on the family and the ever so adorable pictures of Saku, that will continue to be the place for you.

Maybe no one will actually even keep reading my blog and that is OK. Keeping a journal seems too difficult, so this will be a substitute for the traditional paper and pen approach.